


Proximate

by HeraldicMage



Category: Destiny (Video Games)
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Self-Worth Issues, its just a tiny section but its important and fairly gory, rating errs on the safe side
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-23
Updated: 2019-05-23
Packaged: 2020-03-10 02:21:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18929368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeraldicMage/pseuds/HeraldicMage
Summary: Dark guns and their effect on one Dark Guardian.( Guardian, Lightbearer, Dark...All descriptors for one man, and not a single one makes him feel secure in his skin. )





	Proximate

It was a miracle, really, that he left of his own volition.  For however much an impending panic attack was a miracle, that is.  Leshya was actually surprised when Avin left the Derelict without a word, from himself or others.  Usually it took more than what happened in that last match to knock him down for a while. And yet...and yet.

 

Leshya tried to keep his scans masked, not wanting to add to the worry he could sense building in Avin's mind. But he needed to be sure, needed to be careful.  He hadn't felt such raw _pain_ through their bond like he did when that Invader gunned Avin down during that last match.  The Warlock was good at scrounging up those Dark motes that the Drifter so loved, so being gunned down wasn't an unusual occurrence.  Avin's quick-handed mastery with his life draining skills often kept him moving through more than most would anticipate. But before he could even raise a single clawed hand, this time, the air had been driven from his lungs as his body lurched back from the impact of the Invader's shot.  

 

It had been one of those new "toys" that Drifter had taken to creating. Elegant in design, Avin had one himself, but it always made Leshya feel sick with the _sens_ e of it.  Each bullet it fired seemed cloaked in Dark, a strange sort of contrast with the innate sense of Light that infused the weapons of most Guardians. Though for all that Leshya disliked the slimy, Dark _feel_ of the gun, he couldn't deny its results.  It took care of Taken like nothing else could…which was something of the problem at hand.

 

It was just a hypothesis, really.  Leshya suspected that the Dark in Avin, caused by that unfortunate Wish in the Dreaming City, that made him seem…Taken.  Not properly Taken, of course, but enough so that a Malfeasance's shot would burn that much more. It's the only reason Leshya could think as to why those shots hurt so much more than others.  It was a hypothesis that brought no comfort.

 

The scans took longer than Leshya wanted. The innate sense of Dark that was now just as surely a part of Avin as his Light made it difficult to feel out any sort of…foreign bodies. Resurrecting him during that match took longer than he would have liked, because it was just so hard for him to sieve one scrap of Darkness from the rest. The current, persistent ache through their bond made him worried that perhaps he hadn't done quite as thorough a job as he thought.

 

Both Ghost and Guardian were surprised they managed to slip from Zak's careful sight.  But Drifter had pulled the Hunter aside, and that was all the opening Avin's anxious heart needed to slip away. He couldn't have a conversation about this now, not when he didn't even know how to explain it.  A new facet of his hallucinations? An honest problem, a true injury? The frantic crumbling of his own self image? He didn't know. He couldn't talk about what he didn't know.

 

 **_'_ ** _You handle the Dark so poorly…_ **_'_ **

 

Leshya thought to hang back, to tell Zak of Avin's opportunistic escape. But there was a nagging feeling in his core that he needed to stay with Avin.  Stay, watch.

 

Leshya had long since lost confidence in his ability to keep Avin steady.

 

* * *

 

Avin stayed stock still as Leshya carefully looked him over. The Ghost was doing one final scan to make sure that there was no lasting damage, carefully examining Avin's shoulder right down to the marrow. **«** _There doesn't seem to be anything out of place. No unwanted inclusions._ ** _»_** Avin merely nodded, his exhausted gaze still fixed at his own reflection in the bathroom mirror. 

 

Avin sucked a breath of air through his teeth, fingers carefully prodding his once ruined shoulder.  Leshya said there was nothing still in there, but then why was there still the unrepentant agony lasting deep in his flesh.  Leshya had admitted it was hard to track those damnable slugs when they ended up in his body, their Dark signature desperately trying to mesh with his own. Supposedly. Though that reasoning did nothing for that still persisting pain.  If Leshya couldn't fix it, then he'd have to fix it himself.

 

As they say, if you want something done right, then do it yourself.

 

With his overcoat having been left thrown over the towel rack, all that was left to do to get at the shoulder was to wiggle out of his undershirt.  He bit back a swear as his elbow bashed against the sink, his movements stiff and favoring his left arm. **_'_ ** _Don't jostle it too much,_ **_'_ **he thought, the uncertainty feeling just as fragile as an armed explosive.

 

Bare fingers gently rubbed at the soft flesh of the joint, analyzing more by give than by texture, due to their Void-numbed nature.  There were no lumps, no oozing wounds, no unusually tough flesh. It was just a shoulder, the Lighted swirls on pale blue skin giving way for the gentle pressure of those questing fingers, like ripples in a pond.  Not a single note of Dark to be found.

 

Not to be found on the surface, anyway.

 

Those fingers pressed harder as anxiety swelled in Avin's chest again. He was only looking skin deep. If there _was_ still something imbedded, how would he know? If he wasn't imagining that scraping feeling at the joint?  He had to see himself. Had to go deeper than the surface. Anxiety made a fist around his throat, eyes flicking from Leshya to his recently shed gear and back again. He made a choice, shielding his thoughts, but not before a rush of wordless concern was received from Leshya.

 

The silver-clawed gauntlet felt at home on his arm, even with it pulled only over flesh, rather than sleeve. He flexed his fingers, letting the claws settle properly at the tips, then brought his hand back up to his still aching shoulder. Void came easily to the claws, Avin having long since designed the metal with channeling in mind, but it wasn't brought to bear.  Not yet. The claws were delicately held out of the way as he rubbed at the meat of his shoulder once more with the pad of his thumb. The textured grips doing no more to soothe the ache than his bare hand did.

 

Avin thought he could hear Leshya through the fog of his mind. He could certainly see him anxiously flitting about as he brought his eyes back up to his reflection once more.  

However, the thick slide of metal through flesh certainly ripped a horrified cry from the Ghost.

 

It was an easy puncture. These claws were kept for battle, after all.

 

There was no pain, none that Avin could discern as different from the already present ache.  Just a slowly building heat. It was only the panicked **«** _What are you doing!?_ **»,** and the tacky sense of blood dripping down his torso as he pulled the claw free that had him _certain_ that he hit his mark.  No discoveries, but still the pain persisted.  

A horrible thought got its hooks in him.

 

 **_'_ ** _What if you only just pushed that slug of Dark deeper still into your flesh?_ **_'_ **

 

He placed his hand on his chest once more, claws just below his collarbone as a note of Void flowed to their silvered tips.

 

It was a silent action, accompanied by a hitching of breath and another panicked, Ghostly shout. There wasn't any noise to the claws sliding once more into flesh, not really.  It was a sound _felt_ , rather than heard, a rough sense of tearing as muscle fibers gave way beneath the silvered claws.  The awful suction-like sound as those claws gripped and tore the flesh away was much more audible, however.  A soggy _thump_ as the first chunk was pulled free, dropped to the sink below.

 

 **«** _First?! What do you mean first?! Avin, stop!!_ **»**

 

The plea fell on deaf ears as Avin stared at the bloody mess, growing bloodier by the second. No Dark peppered the discarded flesh, the draining blood.  It must be deeper. Claws hooked once more into ruined flesh, the bolt of pain almost registering this time. A frightened, desperate moan found Leshya butting into his Guardian's jaw, trying to jolt him out of whatever this state was that he found himself in.  Leshya only found himself batted away with those bloody claws, the other arm hanging limp and still at Avin's side.

 

 **_'_ ** _There's Dark in you. Get it out. Get it out get it out get it out._ **_'_ **

 

The Lullaby came instinctively to his lips, even as blood loss dulled his mind. It makes the passage that much easier.  Practice makes perfect. He had to stay conscious, had to stay alive until he found that scrap of Dark. The moment he lost consciousness, lost life, he knew Leshya would resurrect him, undoing this gruesome digging.  As much as he wanted it out, some part of him wasn't sure he could stomach starting from square one again. Part of him was glad for the glove beneath the claws; he didn't have to feel the tackiness of the blood as his claws continued their frantic dig through flesh.

 

 **_'_ ** _What a mess this will be to clean._ **_'_ **

 

* * *

 

When Avin finally came to, it was to the muffled sound of conversation.  He tried to catch the thread of conversation, but it felt as though his mind was packed with cotton, even just opening his eyes felt like a nigh insurmountable task. The first thing he noticed was the still present ache at his shoulder. It wasn't as intense, wasn't as all consuming as it was, but still he was aware of the stiffness born of it.  Second, that he was in his bed, a soft blanket tucked around him.

 

 **«** _-couldn't stop him. He shut me out before I could realize what he was going to do, and then it was too late. If not for the mess, I wouldn't believe what I'm saying either._ **»**

 

The silence drug on as neither voice seemed to know what to say.  What _was_ there to say?  As he tried to cast those sluggish mental feelers out once more, a hand fell to his aching shoulder, gently rubbing at it through the blanket.   **"** You're back with us…how do you feel? **"**

 

Feel? All he could feel was the wave of concern, as unending as the ache. He licked his lips, the action useless with the dry state of his mouth, and tried to form words. Another insurmountable task that was abandoned in favor of the only slightly more manageable, but still slurred, mental speak.

 **_:_ ** _feel...cold. hot. don'know._ **_:_ **

There was the sense of motion, the gentle rubbing at his shoulder abandoned for hands maneuvering him.  He whined, if the ragged squeak caught in his throat could be considered a whine, as he was gently pulled up against the body beside him, carefully leaning him back against his partner's chest before the blanket is once more tugged up around his neck.  The gentle rubbing resumed, the quiet _whirr_ of mechanics beneath his ear soothing him, and the careful brush of same-yet-different Void slowly dulling his hypersensitive Senses. It was enough to make his eyes fall shut once more, nuzzling Zak's chest as though he could hide in the metal and silicon and crystal.

 **_:_ ** _Drifter?_ **_:_ **

 

The puff of laughter was humorless, the pressure at his shoulder intensified for a moment.   **"** If you think I'm that snake, then I have some concerned questions about what you do after the matches I'm not in. **"**  Zak offered a tired smile, though Avin couldn't see it. **"** But I know what you're asking. Our…conversation didn't last long.  Though, I guess it landed long enough for you to find trouble. What were you thinking? I came home to Leshya having to rez you in the bathroom, everything looking like a veritable _murder_ scene. Talk to me, darling. **"**

 

Slowly, Avin's mind began to clear, thanks to time and Zak's Void dulling his othersenses. His mouth remained firmly closed, however, shame refusing to let him properly _speak_ his tale.

 **_:_ ** _Malfeasance…thought there was still a bullet lodged. Leshya had hard time…discerning.  'm too Dark to feel apart--_ **_:_ **

 

 **"** You're a fool, Avin. **"**

Avin's gaze flinched away at the accusation.  It was true, he knew in part, but that didn't stop the sting. The hand that cupped his jaw was firm, but not forceful. He couldn't help but follow its steady direction, hazy blue eyes meeting a singular green once more.

 **"** But…you're _my_ fool. You should have come to me; I feel the Dark as you feel the Light…I could have seen if there was anything that didn't belong. I know what is _you_ , and what isn't… **"**

Zak released his gentle hold on Avin's jaw, a single note of sorrow rattling through their bond in both directions. Still he rubbed at the gnarled scar he knew was beneath his hand.

 

 **_:_ ** _Didn'know what to do._ **_:_ **

Avin covered Zak's hand on his shoulder with his own, pressing the metallic hand more firmly into place.

 **_:_ ** _Couldn't think of what to do…panicked. Did what I felt I had to do. Wasn't sure what else_ could _be done…Just did the only thing I could think of._ **_:_ **

The sigh fell from him unbidden, limbs trembling in response to the rush of anxiety.  Once more he made someone worry.

 

 **_'_ ** _Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes…how quaint._ **_'_ **

 

 **"** And that's why you're my fool. **"**

Zak knew there was anxiety just below the surface, and he did what he could to counteract it.  The continuation of gently rubbing fingers, the press of metal lips to Avin's clammy forehead. Both of them were fools, it wouldn't do for Avin to take _all_ of that credit.

 **"** Stop trying to do everything on your own, you've got people who will help.  People who _want_ to help. And, at the worst, we'll pick you back up if you need it. I worry about you, Avin.  I worry about you so much, and I'll always be here for you. **"**

 

It was hard to take that pledge at face value, it always was when Avin was on one of these downward spirals. But still he nodded, not having the energy or words to argue.  He stretched his injured arm out, feeling the tense pull of scar tissue beneath the surface.

At least that ache was mundane.


End file.
